Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
