I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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