I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He did a backflip because drugs
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