I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
