I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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