You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just high enough for therapy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
