i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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