Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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