I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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