all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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