I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
