I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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