Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
