It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
