Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
