"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
