I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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