it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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