I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize