Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
