Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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