I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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