Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
