what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
