May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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