New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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