i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
