he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize