i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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