my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
