I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
