If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize