Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
dude i'm inner monologue high
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
