everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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