yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
