I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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