I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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