So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize