my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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