I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
