I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
