Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize