I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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