I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
