Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
