So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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