I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
