I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
