why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
