Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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