I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
