I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I need moral support for this bender
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
