I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
