Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
