the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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