I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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