Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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