theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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