So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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