I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
