I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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